to everyone. my parents told me not to date him..that being kevin..but i did. my mom told me all boys want is sex...but i didn't believe her so i gave it to a guy who is a complete jerk and i completely regret it. sure, it was great..amazing. but ..he is not. my dad told me he was too immature for me...i should be dating seniors and up (which sounds odd to me...isn't he supposed to be telling me to date younger not older?) and i should've listened. my friends told me he was no good for me...but i didn't listen. mutual friends included... everyone told me not to go back out with him. but i didn't listen. and i regret it.

then everyone told me you're not ready for another relationship. but i didn't listen. my mom told me to just get to know the boy and just be friends. but i didn't listen. jenny told me i wasn't ready and that i needed to spend time alone...but i didn't listen. so we ended up dating. then he dumped me. less than 8 hours. new record. not proud. so i'm going to start listening. jenny tells me that girls would be no different then boys. and i know she's right. so my resolve? become asexual. hahahaha fuck you all! lol just kidding. i still love my friends....but...no relationships...no matter how much i want somebody to be there for me...all's they do is mess up my life. i've got plenty of time..but i haven't got the resources...there is no body here that is what i'm looking for...i don't want to be the party girl..the drug taking girl...the sex girl. i was that. but i don't want to be that anymore. i want to be the nice girl..the smart girl...and with that...most likely the forgotten girl. its a lose lose situation. everything's so rough right now. i think its the winter season. even my friends are having tough times...you know who you are my darlings. i'm looking out for you, still...i feel like crap..kinda worthless. my self-esteem went from soaring to crashing today. and i'm lonely..and cold...but i dont feel like crying...just kind of nauseous. and i feel like cutting...and thinking much about suicide....those chemicals in the bathroom look oh so tempting. but i won't. because i can't. because there are people that i want to at least pretend to need me. maybe they really do. but i don't want to know. i like the snow...but the lack of sunlight is killing me. happiness on the outside...but i feel like crap. ok. i'm pretty much done i think.